Terrible Tuesday

My mood yesterday was best described in an e-mail to BW as such:

'Having a "want to pull my hair out, throw someone under a bus, scream at the top of my lungs, cry in a corner" type of day... '

Yep, it was that kind of day and that about covered it.

But it got better and today is going great. Just wanted to capture the essence and I thought the statement was appropriate.

Post Holiday Blahs

I hate this day. The last day of a long weekend and I'm at home catching up on stuff that didn't get done over the weekend and getting ready for the next week. What I really want to do is still hang out with friends and family like I did the rest of the weekend, but they have all gone or have their own stuff to do. I don't feel depressed, more like BLAH.... (and the grey/cold weather outside is doing NOTHING to help that!)

The holiday weekend was really fun. I left at a decent time on Weds and was able to get my pies made in plenty of time to relax that evening. It was threatening to snow/sleet/rain that night, so I was more than happy to stay in. Thursday I spent the morning at my parents' house and then went over to BW's that evening. (that is going well- more on that later) We hung out with his aunts and uncles and even played some dominoes. Friday I met BW and his parents for lunch, then we did some running around for a little bit. We were able to avoid the mall, but not the traffic! That afternoon/evening, we watched movies and had dinner. Very fun and relaxing. Saturday I got stuff done around the house and then ran into Chesterfield to do a little shopping. I am mostly looking for ideas at this point, as I haven't really thought too much about gifts yet! I then met BW and his parents for dinner that night while I was "in town". It was fun and really great to be able to spend so much time with him this weekend.

Ok, the straight skinny is that BW and I have come to an agreement. I promise to not freak out about every little thing, he promises to call more and keep me more in the loop. Neither one of us wanted to pull the trigger and end it, so this is worth a shot. It sounds like a fair deal and as my cousin says - a very "adult" approach to the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, it's tough some days, especially during the "fun" times of the month, but I get it. I bought a book the other day called "Big Girls Don't Whine: Getting on With the Great Life That God Intends". It talks a lot about getting beyond the past and working towards healthy relationships, which is sooo helpful for me. I am a big proponent of "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got". And I'm to the point that I see a pattern in my relationships and it's Not. Working. At. All. So I'm trying to approach this differently and see what happens. I have no idea what's going to happen and I'm trying really hard not to think that far ahead. I know I really like him and I'm pretty sure he likes me too. I enjoy the time we spend together and we have a good time. He has a lot going on in his life right now, and I really do too. I'm just reminding myself to breathe and to go with it. As Kerin said again "Your goal in life is to be happy - always strive for that". It's a lofty goal, but I'm up for the challenge.

As for travel- nothing is set yet for any trips. They are saying that we are still in the running for China, but as of Weds, no word yet. While it would be a really cool trip to take, I don't really want to go right before Christmas and definitely not the week they are tagging, as it's our company Christmas party and a family party for BW's family and we are supposed to go to both. Switzerland is still up in the air too, though rumor has it I'm tagged for after Christmas. No word on pupsitting yet - that will be a big deal if that doesn't come through.

On the fiber front, I actually have been doing some work, though no spinning yet. It's as if I'm almost "scared" to try to spin any of the new stuff I bought, even though I KNOW that's completely crazy. Brodie found part of it and said it tasted fine, so that's good. I did finally finish the baby sweater for my "boss" in NC who's son was born in July. I don't think it will fit him, so I may end up sending him something else and give that sweater to someone else. My cousin Brianna and her husband had a baby this past Weds as did my neighbors a month ago, so I have a couple of them to get going on! I did finish my SIL's stocking for this year, so that counts on the "crafty-non-fiber front". Other than that, not sure what other Christmas knitting I'll get done this year. I may make BW a hat, as he's freaking out over the cold, but we'll see.

Ok, I have to admit after writing this I feel a little less Blah than I did before. I guess all is good in the universe after all....

PS - Who knew that the Mizzou Tigers would be #1 this year!!!

PPS - Then again, perhaps the univers is getting me back, again. I got a ticket this weekend - 18 over the limit. (EEK! Thanks Mom for giving me those genes!!) It's been almost EXACTLY 2 years since I got the last one!!

Where in the world??

I found out this morning that if I don't end up going to Switzerland, then I'm going to be sent to China for a job over there. Either way, it looks like I will be in another country sometime in the next month!

UPDATE as of 1PM Today: Looks like I'm going to mainland China for 8 days around Mid-December and Switzerland starting in January. Looks like toys with extra lead paint for Christmas instead of watches this year!

35

I turned 35 on Friday. I keep hearing how "young" I am (In my field, Young = Doesn't Have A Clue, so that statement drives me crazy!!), but I don't feel young. But I don't feel that old either. Actually, I feel just right. Though I don't know how "right" is supposed to feel.

I was OK with turning 30. I had just gotten married, bought a house, job was good, etc - life was going "as planned". 31 was good too - more of the same. By the time I got to 32, the bottom was starting to fall out, as that was the year I kicked my ex - Mr. CFP out. (I truly can't remember what I did that year either!) 33 was better - I was able to come up with at least 33 things that I had learned that year. 34 was good too, as I had a lot to do and someone to share that weekend with.

So 35 has hit me hard this year. I realize that I am blessed with my health, great family, wonderful friends, my lasting faith, a great job, a house, etc. But I keep looking at where I am now and wondering "what the hell am I doing! this is soooo not where I envisioned myself to be right now!!!" I liked being a wife and still want to be that again someday. I still would love to have kids, but that seems to be drifting further and further away from reach. I have the possibility to travel Europe soon, which is the chance of a lifetime, but would I trade all of that to be a stay home mom volunteering at school?? Sometimes I think "Yes, I would take that trade in a heartbeat". Am I crazy to be thinking all of these things right now???

I know I have a lot to be thankful for and that there is a purpose in my life and where I am right now is where God intends me to be, but the lack of knowledge of where I'm going is bugging me to no end. I get that I'm a control freak and I need to know the plan, but this is one I'm going to have to trust in. (And I'm having lots of trouble with trust these days...) It's hard and driving me crazy, so bear with me.

My birthday weekend was good. BW took me to dinner, along with bringing a dozen pink roses and sending me an e-gift card to ChristianBook.com, as I had been asking about everyone I knew for ideas of books to read lately. (So T called while I was getting ready to go to dinner - very awkward conversation! especially since I didn't look at the caller ID....) On Sunday I took BW with me to my parents' house for brunch for my birthday. Both my parents mentioned that they thought he was nice (traditionally, they don't say anything if they are not impressed) and my mother said he had a great sense of humor. Yeah, so, that was the last time I heard from him, or actually that evening was. It's now Tuesday night and besides an 8 word e-mail reply to some stupid question I sent, I haven't heard a word - and I only left one message since, last night. I know, I have a tendency to be "clingy" and I get that (see my past...), but logic (ok, MY logic) says that if you miss someone and care for someone like you say you do, don't you want to talk to them when you are 300 miles away? At least to see how they are doing? Seriously, what am I missing here?? I don't get it and I'm not sure what to do. I can't imagine being blown off completely without a word, but I may be in for just that! It just sucks and I feel awful - especially since I was so cautious at the beginning and tried so hard not to "fall" too hard until I felt comfortable. It's hard to say if I'm more upset with him or with me at this point!! Or maybe everything will be fine, but I'm having a hard time trusting that right now. Perhaps that job in Switzerland has come at a good time! (It hasn't been confirmed yet, but it looks pretty promising...)

Ok, so on the fiber front, I found a hookup out this way for fiber - Heaven Sent Homespun. I blew the rest of my budget from my bonus on 3 dyed rovings that she had. They are wool and wool/rayon blend, which should be exciting to spin. When I have time. (I'll post pictures soon!)

And a special "shout out" to everyone who wished me a "Happy Birthday" this year. Your thoughts and prayers are so important to me - it's so good to know that I'm am so loved and so blessed. Thank you.

Wonderful Women Weekend

I just got back from a Ladies CRHP (pronounced CHIRP) retreat at my local Catholic Church. It was very powerful and exactly what I needed right now in my life. My faith has always been pretty strong, but sometimes I need some "reigning" back on track in my life and this weekend provided it. It was empowering to me too, as I walked in the door yesterday morning, not knowing a single person there. Literally. In fact I was shocked when a couple of the ladies greeted me with a "Hi Shannon" when I got there - I thought I was the last one. "No," they said " You were the only one that no one knew!" At the end of the weekend, I can honestly say that I now have 25 new friends in the church and I love it. I have never been afraid to walk into a situation by myself, as I always know that I will walk out gaining so much. How many of us have always relied on being there with someone else to "help" us through? And then ended up only being with them the entire time and not branching out? Did that really help you grow in that situation? Really? Try it all by yourself sometime and see how that works for you....

So one of the most powerful things I heard this weekend was something to the effect of: "The same Holy Spirit that rose Jesus from the dead is alive in our hearts and in our lives today!" Think about that. Seriously. How awesome and amazing is that?? If it's powerful enough to do that, imagine what it can do in our lives!!

Ok, those of you who know me well, know I don't usually throw my religion out there for anyone, so this is a stretch for me. I just had such a great weekend that I needed to throw that out there....

In addition to meeting lots of great new women, I got to spend some time with some other fabulous women this weekend - The Fiber Warriors! (They are Knitters, Spinners and Weavers - I wouldn't mess with them!) Friday night was the STL Weaving Guild sale, so we got together at Robin's for dinner and then to go to the sale. Enabler Anna was there, as was MaryAnn and Sandy, who is a non-fiber woman, but was incredibly interested in the weaving stuff, so there may be a future convert in our midst! The sale was fabulous as always and there was some really wonderful items for sale. The weaving items seemed to be more numerous than in years past, but no less beautiful. If I had the time and money, I would totally get into that, as it was absolutely amazing!! There was fiber for sale too, so I spent part of my "allowance" on about 6 packages of fiber to spin. I have no idea if any of it will really be knit into something, but it will be fun to spin. I have a connection at another sale in Union next weekend, so the rest of the allowance will go towards that. Now I just have to find some time to spin!

Here I am at the end of the "women's weekend", I'm getting ready to take a nap, as I am wiped out. The pups are still at the sitter and I'll get them tomorrow. BW called me from the airport in Tampa on his way back from visiting a cousin and his wife. He's going to drive back to TN tomorrow, so he asked me to come and see him tonight. I get to meet his parents tonight, so that will be interesting. (I think he'll meet mine this weekend - equally as interesting) I was supposed to go with him on this trip, but I am actually glad I did not. While I would have loved to be in FL in Nov, I am really happy I was able to spend lots of time with "old" girlfriends and meet new girlfriends. It was exactly what I needed right now and I am so blessed to have had the opportunity for both. But admittedly I missed him this week/end, so it will be good to see him before he goes back to work. And I think I am going to take a half day on Friday for my birthday and he's coming back earlier that day, so that should be fun.