aka: Shannon's Shananigan's (Since there seems to be less & less knitting and more Shananigan-ing going on as of late and well, let's face it, she's just going to always be a techygeekgirl!!)

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

It's Not Me....It's You

Over the last couple of days, I've been pondering my reactions and "control" over a relationship that I have been in. (I don't like to see people trashed on blogs, so the identity will be kept to me) I realize that I had not been making the best decisions and I see that now. I was so hoping that I would have a chance to explain and redeem myself, but it does not seem to be the case. Apparently the other individual has decided to blow me off and I guess "hope" I fade away into the sunset. (Ok, so I don't know that for sure...but it really seems like that after 5 days of no talking...)

At first I felt incredibly guilty about the way I was acting and felt like it was all my fault. (ah, yes, the Golden Retriever is back!!) But the more time goes on, I am realizing that:

A) In adult relationships, people talk about what is bothering them and don't shut the other person out - if it's not working, say that. Allow for closure and move on. Blowing off the other person reminds me of high school.

B) This is eerily familiar to the end of my relationship with CFP - I was shut out and made to feel like it was all my fault, regardless of how much I tried to make it work or move on.

C) I deserve so much better than this - this persons does not deserve this much of my time and negative energy. I know I have my faults and I'm working through them (I have an appt on Friday!!). I want someone who will appreciate me for me and will respect me for that.

The biggest challenge of this whole thing has been figuring out how to meld my "Summer of Shannon" life in with a dating life. Since I tend to be "all in" in dating, but I was able to hone in on my independence and individuality during my Summer of Shannon, I found myself torn in how to handle all of this. (It is especially hard when they start out as "all in" too, but then slam on the brakes and then the door.) I still am not sure how to mix it all together, but I think I'm closer to finding the answers. Maybe I still have some honing in to do, but I feel like I'm getting closer with every relationship and holding out hope that someday, it will all come together. Until then, I'm learning and praying all I can.

On the positive side of all of it, I enjoyed being taken to nice places for dinner and was encouraged to "dress up" and look nice when we went out. Since I have been losing weight with my training, I have been able to buy new clothes and shoes! and have decided that I want to step it up a notch when it comes to work. I like dressing more professional and feel like I have gained a little more respect because of it. And that is not a bad thing. (I had someone ask me today if I had been on "What Not To Wear" and was living the "after" part of it...Had to laugh!!)

So I'm back to being just me. I am figuring out an outdoor workout schedule that will work with the shortening of days. Work has been crazy, but feeling encouraged, as I have not had to put in any overhead for being out of work this week - and I'm going to be traveling a little coming up. And it's Fall, which is the most kick-ass season of the year!! (ok, mostly because my birthday is coming up, but whatever...) There are 5k Runs to be run, wineries to visit, friends to have a drink with, God-daughters to spoil, family to hang out with and days to Thank God for putting me on this fabulous earth.

Sunday, September 28, 2008


I have this need for order in my life that I cannot get over. Everything must happen a certain way, at a certain time, in a certain place. (Surprisingly though, this does not apply to my house or desk, but I digress...)

I do not know where it came from or why it is worse than it used to be (or maybe I'm just realizing it more...). Problem is, I think it's starting to effect my life in a catastrophic way. I truly believe that I'm about to lose people important to me because of it. And I'm not sure what to do, other than pray and catch myself when I realize it.

So there is a lot of praying and soul searching going on. Hopefully I can "snap" out of it before the bottom falls out. Please keep me in mind...

Monday, September 15, 2008

The Fall (As in Autumn) of Shannon

The Summer of Shannon is slowly coming to a close. The AC has been turned off. The top on the convertible has been up more than it has been down. The grass is FINALLY starting to not have to be mowed EVERY week. Etc...

It's been a good Summer. I found out who my really good friends are. I found out that my family (immediate & extended) really dig me. I got a cool car. Work finally clicks with me. My house finally is starting to look lived in and "grown up". I feel like my life is finally in order...I think.

The end of August was a whirlwind. I went to Iowa to visit my aunt and uncle in Davenport. It was a cool trip and luckily an easy drive. They live in the city, so we were close to everything. On Friday night we went down to the riverside and had dinner in this great outdoor cafe. It's hard to believe that this is the same Mississippi River! Saturday my aunt & I visited the Farmer's Market which was great - love the fresh fruit & veggies.
Then we met up with my uncle and rode bikes down to the river, took the ferry to the IL side for lunch and rode all over. The weather was beautiful and the ride was fabulous. On Sunday we got up and played golf. Again, beautiful weather, but I played terribly (not playing any more this year...). And the drive home was good.

Since then, I have have been hanging out with friends, I bought a new bike to race and train with and been meeting new people. I have had some dates too, which have been fun. Been to some great places and had fun. I think I may have met someone great with a lot of potential and it's going well so far, but I'm so afraid I'm going to revert to old ways and sabotage. I know,I know, I've come so far, learned so much and become a much better person...but it's so easy to go back to that familiar place and stay. So I'm trying harder to be better about it and not be so obsessive and planning and intense....but it's hard. (There is a lot of praying and late night texts to friends to help me through my insanity - thanks y'all.) For now, not going to divulge much more...need to see how this plays out.

I found out today that I may be going to MI for a couple of weeks for work. It's not my first choice, but it's work and they say MI is nice this time of year, so I probably won't be too bad. And I've never been there, so it will be a cool new place to check out. Of course they told me I won't find out until Thursday if I have to be there Monday, so this weekend may be interesting!

Still training for triathlons, though the season is pretty much over. I decided I would train through the Fall/Winter and then try to compete in one a month next year. It's a lofty goal, but I have plenty of time and a new bike! With a bell!! (that one is for you, Linz)
So here I am, easing into the Fall of Shannon, keeping on the path forged at the start of the Summer. It's been a little rocky at times, but mostly rather fun and I'm looking forward to the trail being blazed as I go.