aka: Shannon's Shananigan's (Since there seems to be less & less knitting and more Shananigan-ing going on as of late and well, let's face it, she's just going to always be a techygeekgirl!!)

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

It's Not Me....It's You

Over the last couple of days, I've been pondering my reactions and "control" over a relationship that I have been in. (I don't like to see people trashed on blogs, so the identity will be kept to me) I realize that I had not been making the best decisions and I see that now. I was so hoping that I would have a chance to explain and redeem myself, but it does not seem to be the case. Apparently the other individual has decided to blow me off and I guess "hope" I fade away into the sunset. (Ok, so I don't know that for sure...but it really seems like that after 5 days of no talking...)

At first I felt incredibly guilty about the way I was acting and felt like it was all my fault. (ah, yes, the Golden Retriever is back!!) But the more time goes on, I am realizing that:

A) In adult relationships, people talk about what is bothering them and don't shut the other person out - if it's not working, say that. Allow for closure and move on. Blowing off the other person reminds me of high school.

B) This is eerily familiar to the end of my relationship with CFP - I was shut out and made to feel like it was all my fault, regardless of how much I tried to make it work or move on.

C) I deserve so much better than this - this persons does not deserve this much of my time and negative energy. I know I have my faults and I'm working through them (I have an appt on Friday!!). I want someone who will appreciate me for me and will respect me for that.

The biggest challenge of this whole thing has been figuring out how to meld my "Summer of Shannon" life in with a dating life. Since I tend to be "all in" in dating, but I was able to hone in on my independence and individuality during my Summer of Shannon, I found myself torn in how to handle all of this. (It is especially hard when they start out as "all in" too, but then slam on the brakes and then the door.) I still am not sure how to mix it all together, but I think I'm closer to finding the answers. Maybe I still have some honing in to do, but I feel like I'm getting closer with every relationship and holding out hope that someday, it will all come together. Until then, I'm learning and praying all I can.

On the positive side of all of it, I enjoyed being taken to nice places for dinner and was encouraged to "dress up" and look nice when we went out. Since I have been losing weight with my training, I have been able to buy new clothes and shoes! and have decided that I want to step it up a notch when it comes to work. I like dressing more professional and feel like I have gained a little more respect because of it. And that is not a bad thing. (I had someone ask me today if I had been on "What Not To Wear" and was living the "after" part of it...Had to laugh!!)

So I'm back to being just me. I am figuring out an outdoor workout schedule that will work with the shortening of days. Work has been crazy, but feeling encouraged, as I have not had to put in any overhead for being out of work this week - and I'm going to be traveling a little coming up. And it's Fall, which is the most kick-ass season of the year!! (ok, mostly because my birthday is coming up, but whatever...) There are 5k Runs to be run, wineries to visit, friends to have a drink with, God-daughters to spoil, family to hang out with and days to Thank God for putting me on this fabulous earth.


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