aka: Shannon's Shananigan's (Since there seems to be less & less knitting and more Shananigan-ing going on as of late and well, let's face it, she's just going to always be a techygeekgirl!!)

Tuesday, November 13, 2007


I turned 35 on Friday. I keep hearing how "young" I am (In my field, Young = Doesn't Have A Clue, so that statement drives me crazy!!), but I don't feel young. But I don't feel that old either. Actually, I feel just right. Though I don't know how "right" is supposed to feel.

I was OK with turning 30. I had just gotten married, bought a house, job was good, etc - life was going "as planned". 31 was good too - more of the same. By the time I got to 32, the bottom was starting to fall out, as that was the year I kicked my ex - Mr. CFP out. (I truly can't remember what I did that year either!) 33 was better - I was able to come up with at least 33 things that I had learned that year. 34 was good too, as I had a lot to do and someone to share that weekend with.

So 35 has hit me hard this year. I realize that I am blessed with my health, great family, wonderful friends, my lasting faith, a great job, a house, etc. But I keep looking at where I am now and wondering "what the hell am I doing! this is soooo not where I envisioned myself to be right now!!!" I liked being a wife and still want to be that again someday. I still would love to have kids, but that seems to be drifting further and further away from reach. I have the possibility to travel Europe soon, which is the chance of a lifetime, but would I trade all of that to be a stay home mom volunteering at school?? Sometimes I think "Yes, I would take that trade in a heartbeat". Am I crazy to be thinking all of these things right now???

I know I have a lot to be thankful for and that there is a purpose in my life and where I am right now is where God intends me to be, but the lack of knowledge of where I'm going is bugging me to no end. I get that I'm a control freak and I need to know the plan, but this is one I'm going to have to trust in. (And I'm having lots of trouble with trust these days...) It's hard and driving me crazy, so bear with me.

My birthday weekend was good. BW took me to dinner, along with bringing a dozen pink roses and sending me an e-gift card to, as I had been asking about everyone I knew for ideas of books to read lately. (So T called while I was getting ready to go to dinner - very awkward conversation! especially since I didn't look at the caller ID....) On Sunday I took BW with me to my parents' house for brunch for my birthday. Both my parents mentioned that they thought he was nice (traditionally, they don't say anything if they are not impressed) and my mother said he had a great sense of humor. Yeah, so, that was the last time I heard from him, or actually that evening was. It's now Tuesday night and besides an 8 word e-mail reply to some stupid question I sent, I haven't heard a word - and I only left one message since, last night. I know, I have a tendency to be "clingy" and I get that (see my past...), but logic (ok, MY logic) says that if you miss someone and care for someone like you say you do, don't you want to talk to them when you are 300 miles away? At least to see how they are doing? Seriously, what am I missing here?? I don't get it and I'm not sure what to do. I can't imagine being blown off completely without a word, but I may be in for just that! It just sucks and I feel awful - especially since I was so cautious at the beginning and tried so hard not to "fall" too hard until I felt comfortable. It's hard to say if I'm more upset with him or with me at this point!! Or maybe everything will be fine, but I'm having a hard time trusting that right now. Perhaps that job in Switzerland has come at a good time! (It hasn't been confirmed yet, but it looks pretty promising...)

Ok, so on the fiber front, I found a hookup out this way for fiber - Heaven Sent Homespun. I blew the rest of my budget from my bonus on 3 dyed rovings that she had. They are wool and wool/rayon blend, which should be exciting to spin. When I have time. (I'll post pictures soon!)

And a special "shout out" to everyone who wished me a "Happy Birthday" this year. Your thoughts and prayers are so important to me - it's so good to know that I'm am so loved and so blessed. Thank you.


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