aka: Shannon's Shananigan's (Since there seems to be less & less knitting and more Shananigan-ing going on as of late and well, let's face it, she's just going to always be a techygeekgirl!!)

Tuesday, December 11, 2007


My goal this week is NOT be THAT girl.

You know THAT girl.

You've seen THAT girl.

Hell, I'm sure a bunch of you have BEEN THAT girl.

The girl that completely loses it over a guy and acts completely irrationally. Calls a gazillion times, texts incessantly, drives by the house - in a familiar car - with a sign for that individual taped to the back of it. You KNOW what I'm talking about. I do NOT want to be THAT girl.

Yet I became THAT girl over the weekend. Over something I knew was going to happen and I had prepared myself for it. But I couldn't stop myself. I started working myself up on Friday night anticipating the worst and then by the time it came to deal with it, I had worked myself into a frenzy and laid in to him over it. Yep, THAT girl cometh. And as soon as I was able to get out all of my frenzied thoughts, the rational part came through and I couldn't argue much. I sounded like a whiny girlfriend and everything that I pride myself on NOT being, I was - in full force. So I got through the weekend with a couple of projects and talking to lots of friends and I survived. THAT girl had been squashed....for a bit.

So for some reason, the irrational thoughts started gurgling again on Monday. I have no clue if it was unresolved stuff or just me having a moment. I got nothing! But here I was BEING THAT girl. Oh yeah, multiple text messages, phone calls, the whole bit. It was CRAZY! I was crazy. I even got a phone message saying what was going on and still couldn't handle it. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?? Are you serious? A smart, sassy, cute, fun, alpha chick is acting like this? You have got to be kidding me!! This is not normal...or is it? This is not logical....or is it? What are the rules on this? Based on where we are in the relationship x things that have been said/ things that have been implied = Should I be thinking/feeling/acting this way? Am I really that screwed up from all the stupid things that have happened to me in the past? Did all those past relationships doom me from every being happy? Am I ever going to have something normal? Again, what is normal? Do I cling too much? Why the hell am I so insecure? Do I rely on someone else too much to make me happy? What makes ME happy? Do I really need someone in my life, or Do I really want someone in my life? How is that different? How should I be acting? Do I really have time to be dwelling on this so much??? (Can you tell I'm an engineer? Loves to analyze...)

Thus today, my goal, seriously, was to NOT be THAT girl. I was going to play it cool. I was going to be collected. I was going to not e-mail/text/call today. I told the people close to me my plan and they agreed THAT girl was not cool and "Chill" Shannon was much more pleasant, which was good to know. And it worked. I did good. No irrational behavior, just 2 e-mails updating on travel plans to Switzerland - 8 hours apart. I did text at 4:30 before leaving work and got a phone call on my way out the door. And we chatted for 10 minutes or so. Then something was said during that phone call. I caught it and jokingly brought it up and got a satisfactory answer as to what was going on. "All is OK" I thought and let it go. I went to the Christmas Tree lot to work and didn't think anything of it. So I sent a text message that didn't get returned, so the wheels started turning. Not much, but just enough to get out of park. Then on the way home, I started my thinking. And churning. And assuming. And jumping to conclusions. And rationalizing. Myself. Into a frenzy. Again. Damnit!

Instead of being THAT girl and going on the attack, I was much smarter. I called in reinforcements. My first conversation yielded a "This is no big deal to him. I would trust him and let it go. You are worrying because you like him so much and want to see this work. You have no reason not to think anything different." I could live with that. It made sense. It was rational and logical. Good plan.

That didn't last long, so I called in another opinion. She knew what I was feeling and told me to embrace it. And that I was not crazy or irrational, though still feeling that way. She said to really look at it and figure out how I was feeling. Obviously there are some feelings out there that need to be addressed and dealt with. And by the end of the conversation, I was feeling more confident that all was OK. And I started this blog entry. I just needed to get it out on "paper" and look at it and see how irrational or maybe rational I was being.

Of course I had a THAT girl flash and made a phone call. And he was still where he said he would be and the first thing he said was "Sweetheart, I'm still at XX, is everything OK?" That pretty much answered the questions I had. So,y eah, so I wanted to bring it up, but didn't want to interupt and then really kind of felt stupid for even thinking that, so I back pedaled out of it and promised him all was Ok and that I would talk to him tomorrow. (Of course he hates it when I bring something up, then don't go into it, so I'll have to work to get that smoothed over.) I will probably still talk about it with him, but probably not until the weekend when I see him.

So THAT girl got the answer I wanted, but now I have REALLY have to NOT be THAT girl for the rest of the week. Damnit. I need to start trusting my instincts better. I know this is a growth thing for me, but alright already!! (I've been praying for peace about all of this, this week, but I need some trust and some wisdom and guidance too and maybe some grace....)

Yep, for those of you still with us after the commentary, I did mention that the Switzerland trip was still a go. In fact, I booked flights for my first trip today. I'm out for 2 weeks, home for 1, out for 2 weeks, home for 1, then out for 3 weeks through the end of February. I know that Switzerland in the Winter does not sound like fun, but I would take snow and ick there over being here any day. Especially with no traffic to deal with! The traveling will be tough with a quick turnaround time and we'll have some time for sightseeing, but I think it will be so worth it. And what's more, some of the girls on the team found a yarn store in Basel for me and already went into it. They said it had a lot of stuff and its colorful (no word on soft or luxurious - Muggles!), so I'll have more to report on that. In the meantime, I have projects that need to be done on the plane and on the weekends, so an extra bag to stash projects will be going too...

I have done some spinning. I finally got brave enough and spun some of the roving I got at the STL Weaver's guild sale. It actually spun up pretty nice and I was really proud of myself for keeping the strand pretty consistent and actually pretty thin. I think I will spin up another color of the same stuff, to draft it them together for some really cool yarn, that I have no clue what I will do with!

I love my wheel. Not only was it a bargain, but it works great. I'm thinking that any issues I have with it is all operator error. It's seen a lot of wool over the years and she knows what she's doing. I named her Cecelia right after I got it. It's from the song, but it seemed to fit. I was thinking of an older name, a little sassy, with lots of class. Worldly in her ways, but practical. A little like me, but a whole lot more wiser. I think she and I will learn a lot from each other in the years to come...


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